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IT IS ALL SANTA’S FAULT

Look, you have to blame someone. I say blame Santa. From what I hear he is too busy with elves all year to worry about slander anyway. What a role model we’ve chosen, red nose probably from drinking, crow’s feet likely from holiday stress compounded by drinking and there is more. Face it, Santa is a lush with a pilot’s license. What is up with that? Diagnostic Face Reading applies to everyone including, Barak Obama, Jerry Springer, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and others. The face does not lie, but our giving the celebrity attached to it, a wrongfully deserved pass, might.

Has anyone noticed Santa is obese? The guy weighs a ton. Why? Likely stress again as his holiday woes plague him 365 days a year and Leap Year too! Put the picture together, red cheeks say stomach issues, a big belly says the same thing and points to, you guessed it constipation! The Jolly old elf is like a stuffed sausage about to pop! When the colon backs up it attacks the liver causing weak eyes, crow’s feet, insomnia, itchy skin.. Sound like anyone you know. Bad moods are caused by a bad liver fed by a constipated colon.

Santa needs to lose 80 pounds at least. He has to give up his coffee and junk food too. They are killing him. What? You didn’t know Santa is a coffee junkie? How do you think he delivers all those presents? He bounces from sedation to stimulation with regularity and uses meds to sleep (don’t tell anyone, the elves told me). How about substituting one meal a day for a meal replacement shake? Make no mistake it is not a meal but feels like one. This type of shake is a mineral and vitamin cocktail. It is not food. It takes one meal out of the 3 or so we eat. Result, weight loss.